Find an uncomfortable seat. One which denies leg room and promises back ache, in surface area the size of one buttock should suffice. Make it hot, so hot that even those unconscious actions such as blinking, swallowing and breathing cause streams of perspiration to ripple through the wrinkles of your skin. Make your perch plastic, make it sticky. Now sit back, unfasten your seatbelt and enjoy a perilous journey on public transport through no place in particular but a place just like any other on the travelers trail.
A word of warning, this text serves only as a dubious guide and so, like a hot potatoe, cannot be held responsible for any pulling of legs, straining of temporal lobes (or ear lobes for that matter) biting of thumbs, indigestion, hair loss, motion sickness or any other such complaints which may or may not arise as a result of reading.
The order of writing may at times (as the subject) appear randomly regular or perhaps regularly random. The first stop on our terrorific tour brings us to the drivers cardinal rule: BEEP! (Excuse me did I say BEEP? How foolish, what I meant to say was HONK, HOOT, BARP, BOOM…) Whether you are behind the wheel of a gazillion seater bus, darting through the traffic on a moped, screeching around in a Tuk-Tuk, guzzling past in a pic-up, 3 wheeler, 2 wheeler or Wonky Donkey. With cargo as precious as a prized elephant returning from a successful polo match or as mind boggling as a tourist, no matter the style what is most important is that your vehicle of choice is equipped with a fully serviced hooter!
Those of you unaccustomed to regular hooter use may wish to refer to page 2 of “The Highway code of chaos” under the heading “How to Honk” which states:
“The use of the horn should come to the driver as naturally as breathing. Put simply breath in… BEEP, breath out…BEEP.”
When traveling on long journeys the horn may be used frequently and is often a successful substitute for using the lesser know break peddle. This technique cuts journey times considerably and is therefore highly recommended.
Bus drivers take pride in your vehicles. The best busses all support trendy coulorful names which reflect the driver’s ability to provide a pleasurable traveling experience. Popular suggestions include: “Super Sonic Power, Loadstar Express, Super Viking and Roadmaster.” It is a well known fact that westerners (especially those of the surfing variety) enjoy listening to ‘Reggae Music’. Tuk-Tuk drivers should take note and in order to encourage such wealthy customers into your vehicles you may wish to consider installing a sound system, lowering the three wheelers suspension and attaching sparkly yet useless metallic type objects to the outside of your wagon. All drivers are advised to purchase armfuls of plastic flowers and pay homage to various deities by displaying their images on your dashboard and obscuring the view as much as possible.
All responsible drivers make every attempt to arrive at their destination in record breaking time by any means possible, overtaking, undertaking in deed taking over in general are all well practiced methods. Paying little attention to “Drive Slow” signs, roadworks and line markings is also highly recommended. BEEP! It should also be mentioned that driving of all kinds is a particularly dangerous pastime and should be reserved for hero’s and devils only. Drivers should be weary of mad grannies, stray dogs and suicidal cows- in order to heighten awareness on long journeys the use of amphetamine, and Bettlenut is often indulged.
Passengers must be able to board and disembark from busses whilst still moving and (as has recently been reported by my unfortunate friend Anna) be prepared to get run over and rendered unconscious by undertaking Tuk-Tuks in the process.
TOOT TOOT, BEEP BEEP. I hope you have enjoyed your brief journey on the traveler’s highway. Next stop is open to suggestions depending on how many dollars you have left in that sparkly new wallet of yours.